Where are we going and what's with this handbasket?

I don't really know how I got to this point in my life. Moments ago, I was downstairs in the garage trying to organize chaos (story of my life). I paused in front of the workbench and saw Matt's pamphlet on the Rule of Saint Benedict pinned to the wall. He used to occupy this space. He was here once. That little, canary yellow pamphlet represented, at one time, our mutual ideals. What happened?

Our situation has gone all topsy-turvy. I was initially the one who wanted to end things. Matt flew out to California in December to take care of some school paperwork. He happened to stop by his former workplace to take a friend out to lunch. The new director had heard of him and chatted with him for a while, eventually asking if he'd like to return to work there. The offer letter was received not long after that and he was to start in January.

This was what we had hoped for, the chance to move back to California. We had not taken to Colorado as well as we had hoped--too much snow, too hot in the summer, too much aroma of cow manure, and not enough ocean. With this new job offer, things sped up exponentially. It was too much, too soon. The housing market was bad and our house would not sell for much more than we owed. I had just started an online program through one of the local universities. The boys had made some friends and I had finally been able to participate in Matt's workplace social events. I had found the ability to stick with Weight Watchers for over a year and was feeling much more comfortable in my own skin. Things were starting to look up. Why change so suddenly and so drastically?

Matt accepted the job offer and flew out in January to begin his new job. As soon as he was gone, I felt a sense of relief. I felt that if he never returned, I would be okay. At the end of the week I called him and told him I didn't want to be married anymore.

Since then a number of things have happened that I don't care to go into detail on as they are really side issues. The thing I will share is what led me to have a change of perspective.

I have been perpetually unhappy since adolescence. It was so much a part of me that I just thought it was normal for me to feel that way. During this time of separation I reached an extremely low point, the point of daily sobbing and suicidal ideations. Receiving a letter regarding a molestation case in which I was the victim was what caused me to seek help. The molester was applying for a Certificate of Rehabilitation, which would release him from the consequences of his actions. The letter was from an inspector for the District Attorney requesting that I contact him about the case. Talking to him resurrected feelings I had repressed for 17 years.

Since beginning counseling and medication I have come to see that there could be the possibility of a successful marriage relationship with Matt. Recognizing that it is not normal to feel this way (depressed) so much of the time for so long has helped me see that the problem may not have been solely with the relationship, but with the way the depression has impacted my ability to function in the relationship. I approached Matt with the idea of reconciliation at some point but he has recently concluded that he just can't do it. He fears being hurt again and doesn't trust me. This is understandable. No one wants to be hurt, especially by those who are suppose to be closest to them. What I don't understand is how he can seemingly give up so easily. We've known each other since freshman year of high school. We've been good friends since junior year and dating since senior year. Our ten-year wedding anniversary just passed in May. We have two kids together. We agree on most everything and know each other better than we know ourselves. It's sad how easily such a history is relinquished.

A Fresh Start

After a five month break I've decided to renew this blog. I've been writing a little in other, more private places about recent personal struggles, but I think I'd like to venture back into the more public arena of blogging.

Our two and a half year stay in Colorado is ending in five weeks. We're moving back to California. I just can't get away from that state! It's in my blood. I miss the ocean air. I long for home.

Many things have changed this year. I'm currently separated from my husband. We have many issues to work on and, for the time being at least, it is best that we work on them separately. The boys and I will be setting up house on our own. I'm still debating whether or not I should send Dom to public school or make a more concerted effort with homeschooling him.

The biggest struggle right now is how to deal with a lifetime of depression. I have been a very unhappy person since adolescence. I can't pinpoint the exact time it began, but I know it was there once I started junior high school. I always thought it was just part of my personality, that I was naturally inclined to being sad, pessimistic, and discontent. I have since learned that it is not normal to feel that way all the time. I'm currently in counseling and on medication, though I hope to seek out more natural remedies in the future.

The depression has been a shadow over all of my relationships, most especially my marriage. It has made it very difficult to form healthy attachments to people and move beyond myself to a real place of openness and empathy. I lack a sense of confidence or security in myself as an individual and so I seek affirmation from others. When it isn't received in the way or to the extent I desire, I feel rejected and disconnected.

The medication has definitely helped. I cry much less. I have fewer mood swings and recover more quickly from dips into sadness. But I feel too detached--apathetic at times. The meds make me tired during the day and less able to sleep at night. I hope that they are only a temporary boost out of a very dark place.